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In OctoberEmily Kaufman, then a year-old junior at the University of Michigan, told her story of trying to join a sorority as an out trans woman to Cosmopolitan. Emily never got a bid to a Michigan sorority — but the same month her story was published, she accomplished another one of her life goals: to undergo gender confirmation surgery. A little over a year later, Emily, now a year-old senior at Michigan and a board member at Point of Pride, a non-profit that supports Tight fine black pussy trans community, is sharing her experience of what it was really like to undergo gender confirmation surgery.

I want people to know the truth. I wanted a vagina even before I came out as trans and started transitioning in I remember thinking, "Maybe I could be a guy with a vagina.

I dreamed about it. I used to, about once a week, break down and cry in my room over not having a vagina. It wanted to feel like I was in my own body and not inhabiting someone else's body.

When I realized I was trans, my dreams about having a vagina made sense in a whole new way. I needed the surgery to feel like myself. But for other people, it's not. Some people don't want to go through the grueling process of it. Some trans people might not have any surgeries, ever. Some people like their penis — you do you, girl. In latewhen I was 19, I found a surgeon in Montreal, Canada, through the trans grapevine.

After researching U. My family's pretty well-off, so they loaned me some of the money, and I worked in the campus dining hall and saved.

My mom came with me to Montreal, and her support was crucial. Other people don't have parental support, which can make it a lot harder. When I was doing my research, I realized that the irony is that the media and cisgender people are obsessed with the surgery, but no one actually knows anything about it, including a lot of transgender people.

You really can't get much information unless you talk to someone that's had Post op trans woman naked surgery, and I only had a couple friends who'd had it before me. I tried doing research and it's really difficult to find.

I only think I saw, maybe, one picture, so I didn't really know what I was going to get. Some people Post op trans woman naked able to talk to their surgeons about what Post op trans woman naked want — mostly how big Post op trans woman naked small your labia are — but I did not.

Post op trans woman naked the ones I saw in porn were … pretty bad. They sometimes looked plastic. Mine doesn't. People also think that, after surgery, trans woman have this robo-pussy — that it's just a hole, and you don't have any feeling. Some of my friends didn't believe me that I get wet; I get soaked when I come. It comes down to the quality of the surgeon: 15 years ago, yeah, women who got the surgery might have had dry vaginas.

Not anymore. There are a lot of misconceptions about what the surgery really entails, too. Some people think it's chopping your dick off and that's it. What they actually do is make an incision around the tip [of the penis], take out the erectile tissue and then, basically, flip it inside out, and then the head [of the penis] becomes the clit. You often need to get electrolysis in that area, because the way the surgery is done, with the inverting of the penis, you could have hair inside your vagina, and that would be kind of a problem.

My surgeon got rid of all of the hair during the surgery, which is one of the main reasons I decided to go to him. Before my surgery in OctoberI didn't let myself get freaked out. I was just focusing on the positive. I was taking the rest of the semester off from school to recover, and I was excited. I had suppressed my emotions and my nervousness and it just exploded.

In terms of prep, you have to stop hormones three weeks before surgery to minimize the risk of blood clotsso my facial hair started coming back a little bit and that kind of sucked.

The day of the surgery I had butterflies. I looked at my penis for the last time, and I knew it was soon to be just a horrible memory. After the nurses wheeled me into the operating room, I knew my life would be drastically different upon awakening. When I woke up after surgery, I wasn't in that much pain. But then, after an hour or two, my anesthesia wore off and it was the most unbelievable, excruciating pain of my life.

It was like someone took a sledgehammer and shoved it between my legs. It was horrible. There was this stent in me, almost like a giant dildo thing, to keep [my vagina] open for three or four days. I was bedridden as fuck the first day. The second day, I wobbled around the hospital for about 10 minutes total.

I was in so much pain, I thought Post op trans woman naked was literally going to die. I had to go into a zone and just try to forget about it. I could only take Post op trans woman naked every four hours, so I asked my mom to hold my hand because that's the only thing that helped. After the first two days, it was uncomfortable, but it got better.

As soon as they took the gauze off, maybe a week later, I saw my vagina for the first Post op trans woman naked and it was like a war zone. It was so swollen and bleeding, it looked like someone just stuck something inside you and mushed it around.

But as the days went by and they took all the padding out, it was pretty cool to see. It was really real — after all the time, and money, and tears, and everything. There were three other girls who all got surgery on the same day as me Post op trans woman naked one in her 30s, one in her 40s, and one in her 50s. We all bonded after surgery, and after two days, we all moved to the recovery house down the street from the hospital.

We were all there Post op trans woman naked each other. That was comic relief for us. They took the stitches and the stent out and then you have to start dilating — sticking these hard, plastic dildo-type things in your vagina — because you don't want it to close up and you don't want it to lose depth. There are three dilators: a small blue one, a medium green one, and then the big orange one.

We — the other girls and I — called the big one Thor. To be honest, I'm never going to see a dick as big as Thor. You start out with Post op trans woman naked two small ones, lube it up and stick it in. There are five little white dots on the dilator, and you have to try to make it so that you can get the Post op trans woman naked dot in. You want to have as much depth as possible.

I had a breakdown on day four post-surgery. I didn't know you had to dilate so many times a day, so that really sucked the life out of the next month. How was I going to get through the school year having Post op trans woman naked dilate? I remember crying and being really upset. I normally feel older because of everything I've had to go through, but it was one of the first times in a long time that I felt like I was 20 and the other girls were mentoring me. Because they were older, and their pain either was not initially as bad as mine or they were better at dealing with it than me, they helped talk me through it.

The first couple of months were still really hard. I resented my vagina a little bit. I was so stiff and sore. I had to dilate four times Post op trans woman naked day, 30 minutes each, two hours apart, so I didn't leave the house most days. I felt trapped, and it was terrible. I didn't get to see my friends. But I did go to Washington, D. It felt like a doomsday situation.

I was trying to see the best of it, but I was thinking Post op trans woman naked my rights as a trans woman under the Trump administration, and the fact that they might go backwards. I need protection under the law from discrimination, and I felt like his election was a green light for bigots.

After the first month, when the pain started going away, and I was down to dilating three times a day, I started to love my vagina. She started looking like Post op trans woman naked vagina instead of a little mess of skin. I freaked out for a long time about my vagina not being normal, but I think it's just something all women go through, like, "Oh no, my labia are too small. I remember one of the therapists who wrote me a letter of recommendation told me a story of this Post op trans woman naked who got her vagina something like 25 years ago, and it had this smell that she didn't think anything of, and then she lost her vagina.

She had to have it removed. So that really worried me. Now, almost a year and a half later, my vagina looks like every other Post op trans woman naked vagina, but with two faint scars on either side where the incisions were that are still healing. When I don't shave, you couldn't tell at all. I've shown a few of my trans girlfriends, and a few of my cis girlfriends, either pictures or in person, for science, and they've all been pretty shook.

Having the surgery has given me confidence. I always had anxiety that people could see my bulge. I'd be scared to wear bathing suits.


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